She's gone....Goodbye

My grandmother passed away this morning, sometime between 7:15am and 8:15am. Yesterday, mom picked Kelsey up from daycare, and I went to see my grandma in the nursing home after work. I had seen her twice the previous week, but last night she looked so bad. Death was approaching her, and I just wanted to be with her. I held her hand, and told her how much I loved her. I told her that I have wonderful memories of our times together, and there is absolutely nothing left undone. I did tell her that I was sorry she never had a chance to meet Kelsey. That is because of my own selfishness. I didn't want to take my baby inside a nursing home for fear of germs. Its not the most sanitary place, and I wanted to protect my baby.

I remember times when I just prayed to God, thanking Him for blessing me with a wonderful grandmother. I told my grandmother how blessed I was. I told her she had my blessing to go and be with the Lord and her loved ones. My mom told me that I had to let her go. I'm selfish, and I want her here. She was suffering though, and it hurts that someone so loving and giving like my grandma had to suffer her last days. So I let her go. I told her that I would see her again someday, and I said the word goodbye.

When I was a child, my grandma always made me wear an apron when I ate lunch at her house. I always wore a red apron with bumblebees on it. My grandma also had a birdbath in her backyard, and she frequently had bunnies passing through. So I asked my grandma to send me bumblebees, bunnies, and birds to let me know that she is next to me. In the morning when I woke Kelsey up, I saw a squirrel outside my window. I just happened to be at the right place to see the squirrel. I do remember that my grandma liked squirrels, and I have to wonder if she sent to the squirrel to tell me that she has gone to Heaven.

My grandma was the most kind, giving, loving, selfless person I have ever known, and there is absolutely no exaggeration here. My grandma had a hard life. She lost her mother when she was five years old, she lost her brother who was a todder to influenze, she bore stillborn twins when she was thirty four years old, her husband died thirty years ago, her brother and sister passed many year ago, all of her aunts, uncles, cousins have all passed before her. She has endured so much emotional pain, and it is rejoiceful knowing that she will be reunited with her mother and her little boys. My grandma endured so much emotional pain, and yet still remained the kindest woman I have ever known. I love her so much, and I knew last night when I left, that I would never see her again. I just knew it. I hope I said everything I wanted to say. Yesterday I truly said goodbye.

Goodbye.

Pumkin Patch

Today Kelsey's school took a field trip to Thies Farm. Kelsey was one of the youngest babies there, so there really wasn't a whole lot she could do. We did take a hayride, and Kelsey enjoyed looking at all the harvested crops. It was so cold in the morning, and since it has been so hot lately, I didn't even think about putting a sweater or jacket on her. I feel like I was the bad mom today....letting my kid run around with no jacket or hat.

My husband went with us today. He is crazy about Kelsey, and I'm sure she will have him wrapped around her little finger. After the pumpkin patch, we went to Hometown Buffet, and Kelsey at mashed potatoes, macaroni, and ice cream. I'm glad she is getting use to solids now. I would totally freak whenever she would have a gag reflex. The daycare is really helping in that aspect. Now the only thing is to get Kelsey used to the sippy cups.

Fun times with Kelsey

Kelsey and I have been having so much fun lately. Last weekend was my company picnic at six flags. I knew Kelsey would be too little to ride anything, but I did manage to get her on the big train and the carousel. She loved the carousel. She was brave and rode the moving horse...of course I held on to her as tight as I could. My mom came to my picnic as my guest, and she managed to win a scooby doo for Kelsey. The scooby doo doll is bigger than Kelsey, but she loved it! Later that day, we ran into a man dressed as scooby, and Kelsey just jumped and giggled. I don't think I have seen Kelsey so happy before. She was dancing and giggling, it was a shame to leave the park.

Today I took Kelsey to an autumn fest at the botanical gardens. Kelsey was a little under the weather today because of her teeth, but I didn't want to miss the oportunity to take her to see some pumpkins and farm animals. Unfortunately, the farm animals weren't there this year. She probably wouldn't have enjoyed them that much anyway. I did, however, manage to pick a beautiful pumpkin for Kelsey, and wrote her name in purple sparkles on the pumpkin. Then we enjoyed some ice cream...I guess I enjoyed some ice cream. I love this age. Kelsey is so much fun now, and she absorbs everything around her. The greatest gift is to see my baby laugh and smile. She is the love of my life.

On my own..

My husband left for Chicago around 10 pm tonight. I'm used to him going to Chicago every week, but I hate it when he leaves after work. I worry about him falling asleep. I worry about everything.

Our marriage has been rocky this past year. I've misunderstood him. I haven't really felt loved by him. After our fight last week, I don't ever want to hurt him again. I want to take care of my husband. I'm just an overall lazy wife, and that needs to change. We need to communicate with each other. It just sucks that I don't know any other couples like us.

I love my husband. I love him more than anything. I'm so sorry I hurt him. He is my best friend. If I were to lose him, I would be nothing. I love my husband.