She's gone....Goodbye

My grandmother passed away this morning, sometime between 7:15am and 8:15am. Yesterday, mom picked Kelsey up from daycare, and I went to see my grandma in the nursing home after work. I had seen her twice the previous week, but last night she looked so bad. Death was approaching her, and I just wanted to be with her. I held her hand, and told her how much I loved her. I told her that I have wonderful memories of our times together, and there is absolutely nothing left undone. I did tell her that I was sorry she never had a chance to meet Kelsey. That is because of my own selfishness. I didn't want to take my baby inside a nursing home for fear of germs. Its not the most sanitary place, and I wanted to protect my baby.

I remember times when I just prayed to God, thanking Him for blessing me with a wonderful grandmother. I told my grandmother how blessed I was. I told her she had my blessing to go and be with the Lord and her loved ones. My mom told me that I had to let her go. I'm selfish, and I want her here. She was suffering though, and it hurts that someone so loving and giving like my grandma had to suffer her last days. So I let her go. I told her that I would see her again someday, and I said the word goodbye.

When I was a child, my grandma always made me wear an apron when I ate lunch at her house. I always wore a red apron with bumblebees on it. My grandma also had a birdbath in her backyard, and she frequently had bunnies passing through. So I asked my grandma to send me bumblebees, bunnies, and birds to let me know that she is next to me. In the morning when I woke Kelsey up, I saw a squirrel outside my window. I just happened to be at the right place to see the squirrel. I do remember that my grandma liked squirrels, and I have to wonder if she sent to the squirrel to tell me that she has gone to Heaven.

My grandma was the most kind, giving, loving, selfless person I have ever known, and there is absolutely no exaggeration here. My grandma had a hard life. She lost her mother when she was five years old, she lost her brother who was a todder to influenze, she bore stillborn twins when she was thirty four years old, her husband died thirty years ago, her brother and sister passed many year ago, all of her aunts, uncles, cousins have all passed before her. She has endured so much emotional pain, and it is rejoiceful knowing that she will be reunited with her mother and her little boys. My grandma endured so much emotional pain, and yet still remained the kindest woman I have ever known. I love her so much, and I knew last night when I left, that I would never see her again. I just knew it. I hope I said everything I wanted to say. Yesterday I truly said goodbye.

Goodbye.